Happy Birthday, Adrianna Nikol Wix!

Wherever you are I hope that turning six years old is magical and wonderful.........I love you sweet angel...........I wish that I had more memories with you, two years is just not enough! But believe me the two years of memories that I have are so precious to me and are treasured like gold. I think about you everyday.......just a baby when I last saw your face.........now a little girl..........I wonder if your healthy, if your going to school, who are your best friends, do you have a pet, are you snaggle toothed, do you smile alot, are you afraid of the dark (like your mommy), is your hair long (like your mommy), do you sing, do you dance, do you love the warm sunshine or the falling snow, do you eat your vegetables?????????????????????? I wonder all this and more constantly....... ......
Mimi has you a birthday present for when you come home, you have four of them waiting for you now........I try to get you something that no matter what your personality or how old you get you will still treasure your gift. Aunt Casey is watching Monsters Inc and eating Cheerios for you tonight, she loves and misses you so much........I hope that you remember her. I know that you must be such a sweet little girl.........that I know could never have changed, of that I am sure.

I will hold you in my arms again, I know this is true............Jesus told me so............


I love you sweet baby................Happy Birthday.........please take care of Mommy and bring you both home to all who love you very soon...................

I WISH (In Search of the Missing Children)

Dedicated to Missing Children
Artist Vienna
Thank you for her beautiful voice and dedication to all missing children
www.viennarocks.com

Changes

Though it seems that my world stopped on March 25th, 2004...............................the rest of the world continued to spin around me. My heart weeps when I think of the changes in our family that have occurred since that day.......changes that Jennifer has missed......changes that have missed Jennifer.

In the time that has passed, so have people that know and love Jennifer and Adrianna. We have lost loved ones to natural deaths........there has been more tragedys for us to overcome........there has , yes, actually been happy times..........I never thought there would be happy times again.....and even though they are bitter sweet, those times do come, as the world continues to spin....

Jennifer's youngest sister has graduated high school and is preparing to leave for college. What should be a very exciting time in her life is over shadowed by the grief that she lives with everyday. There are not words to express the love that she has for her big sister and her little Adrianna. She was 14 when Adrianna was born........just in time........a live doll to play with as she left her "little girl" years behind and entered into adolesence!!!!!! Perfect timing! She helped Jennifer, every step of the way, with the baby..........and loved every minute of it. She had planned for years to become an attorney...............living through losing her sister and niece has changed those plans.............she wants no part of the laws that protect people who victimize and abuse innocent people!

Jennifer's middle sister...........just two years younger..............has met and married her true love and began a new and exciting life..................far away from the overcast of the pain that she lives with everyday, missing her big sis and her beautiful Adrianna. She agonized the entire time that she planned her wedding......feeling guilty for being so happy.....and planning something so "frivoulous" as the happiest day of her life. She is the kind of girl who has dreamed of her wedding day and planned it since she was a very young girl...................and the plan always was to have her lifelong best friend as her Maid of Honor and both her sisters as her Brides Maids......with the addition of Adrianna, flower girl............the wedding party was complete...except of course for the groom!! Now that the big day had arrived.......confusion, hurt and pain set in.........a brides maid and flower girl were missing................................so..l.......her one sister she has left was to be her maid of honor and her best friend and cousin her brides maids......with another cousin as the flower girl.............in place of her sisters presence a candle would burn in memory of the sister and niece she had lost and loved.

It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced this loss how it effects everyday of your life......................you just hang in limbo day after day..............as the world spins around you.....................the changes are painful, the things that you want to share, the decisions that you have to make..........all being made with your missing loved one in mind. I only wish that we could spin this world counter clockwise and change the hands of time...............go back to March 24th, 2004, know what we know now.............and make sure that things are different.......make sure that you hold your loved ones close and that they stay right by your side...........where no one can harm them.........no one can take them away from the people who love them.............

As I write this, I am thinking of Jennifer's grandfather...................his health is not good..............my prayer is that the next change our family encounters is that we have closure while he is still here...............that he will not leave this world without closure......I pray that Jennifer and Adrianna are still alive and will see him again...........................I love you, Jennifer and Adrianna..............through all the changes..............my love for you never changes.......till the world ceases to spin around me.

Happy Easter Angels

Easter morning...............my mind and my heart are flooded with memories...................good, sweet memories that make me smile! Easter has always been a huge Holiday for our family, a beautiful day, filled with church, song, flowers, food, friends, family, candy, laughter, easter egg hunts, pretty dresses and bonnetts........................................

All of Jennifer's favorites racing through my memory and wondering what (if anything), Adrianna would like to eat....what would be her favorites? Or would she be like her Mommy at that age and be much more interested in the basket of candy and hunting the eggs that she knows await her?

I can so imagine Jennifer fussing over her pretty little dress and trying her best to keep her from getting chocolate on it or one of those pretty pastels from the Easter eggs...........Jennifer and her sisters wore bonnetts or hats on Easter and I can see Adrianna running through the grass holding her hat from the wind as she hunts for each of the wonderful surprises that await her in the grass and flowers and her beautiful face as she shows each and everyone to her Mommy with amazment..............................

Our family would have attended church this morning together. My memory takes me back to Jenn as a little girl in church. She was always so good, never one day spent in the nursery! I can see her as she kneels to say her prayers and give thanks for her family. We are Catholic and Jennifer was always too shy to be an alter server, she did try cross and candle bearer for awhile, but she was too nervous, so afraid that she would do something wrong...................so she decided that she would be an usher/greeter instead..........what a great decision on her part, she was perfect for the job and loved it!!! Today, Jennifer would have knelt and gave thanks to God for the wonderful gift of her beautiful daughter, I would have been beside her with the same thankful prayer.............and so today, I give thanks to God for the time that I had with my daughter, allowing me to be a part of her life and also for briefly giving us Adrianna to share and complete our bond........my Angels.............

Later today, I will attend a family dinner, but now it is different................no Jennifer, no Adrianna, no pretty dresses or bonnetts, just food and what's left of our family................a different family................one filled with grief, confusion, anger and questions.....................two empty chairs for my angels will be there.......................my heart full of sweet memories of Easter's gone......................................

I miss you Jennifer and Adrianna more than words could ever say.....................Mom

It's been two years now...........................will this agony and pain ever end? Will I ever see my sweet girls again? Will they at least be able to ever rest?

The pain is as fresh today as it was that horrible day two years ago, on March 25. 2004. Nothing has changed, time has stopped in so many ways. I read somewhere that a parent experiencing this seems to have one foot stuck in that day (the day their child vanished) and another foot in the here and now, taking care of the other children, going to work, sweeping the floor. That is so true. I remember the day that I fell to my knees in my front yard and knew that something terrible was wrong just like it was yesterday. In so many ways, I am still in that position. It still seems at times, to be just unreal, sometimes I still wake up thinking maybe it was all just a bad dream.

There are so many things that I long to share with my daughter and so many things that I dream of sharing with my granddaughter. I logged onto the computer today to check in and one of the first things that I saw was a different face staring back at me from the screen when I went to the NCMEC site to look at Adrianna's face. Her age progression is done and posted as a new flyer. What a shock! I had in my mind that Adrianna would still look basically the same and that I would know her if I ever saw her, no matter how old she was. What I saw amazed me, it occured to me that I could walk right past this little girl and not recognize her as my own sweet grandbaby. Is that possible? Could she change that much? I do know that she is not a baby anymore, but a little girl, who will soon be getting ready for school. I also realize that I have lost the opportunity to do alot of the things that I wanted to do with her. Those were baby things.......she probably would not be interested in them anymore, those times are lost. Now I will progress farther with the things that I want to share with her, things that would be more age appropriate for her. I know that if I can ever find her that we can make up for the lost time........I know that we can.

Pretty Little Adrianna

Adrianna's birthday has come and gone............................................I admit that yesterday, I was basically worthless..so sad, so lonely, wishing that I could change time............I have been completly lost in my thoughts of Nina................................

The joy and the beauty that one little girl brought into my life, it's amazing. And the joy and beauty that are missing in my life is devastating. On the day that she was born, I was drawn closer to my own daughter than I could ever have imagined. Jennifer would not allow me to leave her side as she gave birth to Adrianna, and when the moment arrived I was there to see Adrianna into the world and the complete joy on her Mommy's face. Adrianna's was such a good baby. So easy for Jennifer to slip into her new role as a Mother. It was almost as if this beautiful little baby knew exactly what her presence in our lives meant. Her beauty was radiant!!!!

It's hard to put into words how much I miss the laughter of Adrianna in my life. She is so cute, so funny, so smart.......................all the things that give us hope in our world. The thought of someone taking that hope from us all is unbearable.............................................................

I miss her, I love her, I long to hold her in my arms again. My birthday wish for Adrianna is that someday soon she will be with her family again and that we can celebrate once again the beauty, the joy, the hope that she brought to us all the day she came into this world.

Happy Birthday, my pretty little Adrianna.

Love You Forever,
Your Mimi

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas, Jennifer and Adrianna

As I wake today and prepare to celebrate this most precious of all days, my mind and my heart are filled with confusion. I am so deeply sad that my family is not complete and at the same time, I have so many very happy memories of Jenn. Though my holidays spent with Adrianna were so too few, the memories are so bitter sweet. Adrianna brought a new joy to everyday, especially the Holidays.

My mind and heart are reeling....................................

Shopping with Jennifer for her new baby's gifts! Wow, that was a thrill in itself! I remember the last time we shopped together........................we had Adrianna with us, we would show her all the baby dolls......................but she wanted the real babies! She reached for and cried for each little one that we passed in the store! I remember taking her riding to see all the Christmas lights and how she loved them...........................she would say, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, pretty!" at each that we passed.

Adrianna completed five generations of women in our family. That was such a cause for celebration. It is very difficult now to go to the family gathering with the last two of those generations missing. The void is huge and very evident at every gathering.

All the Christmas's with Jennifer will always be in my heart! It has always been tradition that after leaving Meemaw's or Nanny's on Christmas Eve that we would attend Midnight Mass. Ever since Jenn was a little girl she has so enjoyed going, though she would be very sleepy, she loved the music.

This year, I feel extremely alone......................of course because of the empty place in my heart and at the table, but because one of my daughter's is out of the country for the holiday and the other has to work. I'm just sitting here this morning trying to figure out how to deal with the emptiness........................................my heart hurts.

I love you, Jennifer and Adrianna, wherever you are. I always will and nothing will fill the void until you return again to join your family and complete us all again.

Merry Christmas

The pictures above are Jenn's fourth Christmas and Adrianna's second Christmas, my heart will forever stay molded with the images of the last photograph.